“Hope” is the thing with feathers by Emily Dickinson
It’s almost two weeks. The bear claws are healing up. The biggest challenge so far has been managing the pain.
It’s a strange one waking up with these two useless painful arms. In my dream world I’ve sometimes forgotten. As I’m waking my mind is wondering what the hell has happened? The left arm is weighed down with a rigid cast. First thing in the morning it’s like a huge weight is pressing on me. The right hand is doing great but has turned every colour under the rainbow.
Funny how our instincts are always alive and kicking. I’m relying a lot on my phone at the moment. I’m even keeping it in my pocket just in case. In case of what? It’s something I don’t normally entertain but it might be in case of accidents!!!
Anyway I was just about to charge it when it slipped off the table. The last thing I need is a smashed phone. I’ve done that a few times. So the left hand instinctively reached out to grab it. Oh ouch, I said, or words to that effect! I’m cursing like a sailor, as my Grandmother used to say.
These are some of the small lessons that I’m learning day to day. If I start to feel panicky it means the pain has passed the threshold that I can bear. If I see something nice to eat in a jar that needs unscrewing, or a packet that needs tearing, or a can that needs opening, especially to add some mayonnaise to my lunch…. ignore! If I need to carry something upstairs forget it, strap on a small bag and carry everything in that. But hardest one of all, I can’t hold up my camera.
Luckily I work from home. I have everything I need within reach. I even fixed the camera on top of a few cushions so I can snap the birds enjoying their breakfast. Today I went outside for a while. I picked the frail dying stalks of oregano, lavender and fennel. There is still the mildest scent from their twiggy remains. Dead things are quite beautiful.
My friends and followers here on the blog and on social media have been so kind and thoughtful. People are simply amazing in a crisis, offering to make things, pick me up and bring me somewhere, come and chat. To be honest I’m not up to it. I imagine in a couple of weeks I’ll be chomping at the bit. I so look forward to seeing real human beings again and enjoying some normality!
This morning I stood at the window watching the morning sun spread across the lakeside fields. The sun catches the tops of the trees first and then slips down to the grass as if pulling their blankets off. It might not be the most practical situation living in the middle of a meadow, down a long lane, but it certainly has morning magic.
As himself headed off we agreed that as little kids this is what we would have dreamt of. It’s not for everyone, but rural life can be filled with so much light and beauty changing and inspiring by the moment. Some people fancy a spa or a luxurious hotel. I feel blessed just to have this day and to find the beauty and joy in it.
I’m on the mend. Thank you for your kind wishes, messages and tweets. Now let’s all keep on keeping on, embracing the day. Finding hope.